Thursday, 14 June 2012

Lance Armstrong

The great Theodore Roosevelt had something to say about petty spiteful people, the sort of people  who inhabit the United States Anti Doping Agency.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the
worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." 

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

Men Teaching Classes For Women

Men Teaching Classes for Women

By February 29, 2012


Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,

or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 AM for 2 hours.

Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5

Curling Irons - Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning At 7:00 PM

Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8

Health Watch - They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right! - Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, Location to be determined.

Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours. 

Class 11

Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers

Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Send this to all your guy friends for the
 best chuckle of their day.......
And to all your gal friends who have a sense of humor!

From the Guys in the Witness Protection Program!

Wednesday, 9 November 2011

Remember This lady Irene Sendler

This story came to my attention today and i was so moved by it i thought it worth putting it on here so other people could read it.
The world hasn't just become's always been wicked. The prize doesn't always go to the most deserving. Look at this lady - Let us never forget!Irena Sendler

12 May 2008 (aged 98)
During WWII, Irena, got permission to work in the Warsaw ghetto, as a
Plumbing/Sewer specialist.
She had an 'ulterior motive'.
She KNEW what the Nazi's plans were for the Jews (being German).
Irena smuggled infants out in the bottom of the tool box she carried
and she carried in the back of her truck a burlap sack, (for larger
She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi
soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto.
The soldiers of course wanted nothing to do with the dog and the
barking covered the kids/infants noises.
During her time of doing this, she managed to smuggle out and save 2500
She was caught, and the Nazi's broke both her legs, arms and beat her
Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and
kept them in a glass jar, buried under a tree in her back yard.
After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived
it and reunited the family.
Most had been gassed. Those kids she helped got placed into foster
family homes or adopted.
Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize.
She was not selected.
President Obama won one year before becoming President for his work as
a community organizer for ACORN
Al Gore won also --- for a slide show on Global Warming.
I'm doing my small part by forwarding this message.
I hope you'll consider doing the same..
It is now more than 60 years after the Second World War in Europe
This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the six
million Jews, 20 million Russians, 10 million Christians and 1,900
Catholic priests who were murdered, massacred, raped, burned, starved
and humiliated!
Now, more than ever, with Iran , and others, claiming the HOLOCAUST to
be 'a myth'.
It's imperative to make sure the world never forgets, because there are
others who would like to do it again.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

The Balloonist

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would
meet him an hour ago but I don"t know where I am.."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an Engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information and the fact is, I"m still lost. Frankly, you"ve not been much help at all. 
If anything, you"ve delayed my trip by your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you"re going.
You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise,
which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.
The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow,
it's my f**king fault."

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

Howard Webb, the story of United's 12th man

Sir Alex Ferguson is planning to rest his star performer Howard Webb to prevent 'a needless injury' after his tireless work in yesterday's FA Cup victory over Liverpool . Webb awarded his own side a penalty, but he stood aside to allow a team mate to take it.Mr Webb who secured his team's passage into the 4th round of the FA cup is said to be 'exhausted' following his Herculean efforts in providing his side with the winning goal by awarding them a 'completely deserved' penalty after Liverpool's Daniel Agger 'viciously kicked Berbatov in the head with a knife'. Man United's 12th man Howard Webb, whose dressing room locker is right next to Rio Ferdinand's, said: "Yeah, it's a massive win for the me and the lads". The gaffer told us all in his pre-match talk to get in their faces, and work hard for each other. He reminded me to wait at least an hour before giving us a penalty or it could look suss, but I was just too excited and went for it a few seconds after I blew the starting whistle, however, I did wait a little longer than usual to send Stevie G off, to make up for it."I was thinking about taking the penalty myself, but then thought I should let one of the other lads take the glory for a change. It's a team sport after all, and I get embarrassed when people tell me I single-handedly win all the games I get picked to play in."However, his boss, Alex Ferguson is concerned that if he continues playing his star man in every game he'll pick up a serious injury or may get exhausted towards the business end of the season.
"Howard's a great servant to the club, " said Sir Alex. "And he's a real role model for the younger lads. He's always first on the training pitch in the morning and the last to leave. He practices pointing at the spot, and sending opponents off for hours on end. But I fear if he carries on at the same intensity he'll pick up an injury that could see him out for months.
"And that's a risk we can't take. He's just too important for us, his ratio of games played to penalties given is almost one per match, which are amazing stats." Manchester United's club shop has just released its sales figures which indicate that 'Howard Webb' is now the most requested name on the back of their replica shirts, and that if his popularity grows they may be forced to rename the Stretford End in his honour by changing it to the 'Massive-Bell End', or MBE for short.

Friday, 24 December 2010

Manchester Wheel and the iPhone

I was out shopping in Manchester the other day and decided to put the iPhone 4 camera through it's paces by taking a picture of the Manchester Wheel after the sun had set. It's not worked out badly for a smartphone camera.

Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Walking in a Winter Wonderland (British Version)

A new British take on the old favourite, Walking in a Winter Wonderland.

The phones ring
No one's listening
All the staff
Have gone missing
Check the website
You won't get a flight
Stranded in a Heathrow Blunderland

Locked away
Are the gritters
Read about it
On Twitter
It's nobody's fault
We ran out of salt
Stranded in a Winter Blunderland

Snowfall came
Without warning
You could blame
Global warming
But nobody cares
About Polar Bears
When they're stranded in a Winter Blunderland